Hey guys...I know it's been awhile since I've posted. But things have been going so well with our development package that I was simply caught up in the euphoria and excitement of filmmaking. It has been a pure pleasure and thrill. So much of the past few weeks have been this harmonious orchestration of life experiences and my talents. It just felt so natural. I was doing what I think I was made to do. At the same time, there were definitely pockets of myself that still had to "grow up" and develop. It's like discovering the sport you were made to play, and at the same time you realize how rusty your posture is and weak some muscles are. This strives one to exercise and practice, to develop and become a formidable athlete. I feel this exact thing for my craft. I need to grow up. I need more confidence. I need more clarity. I need more boldness. But in sum -- I LOVE IT!!!
AND THEN CAME THE TWIST OF ALL TWISTS. My wife and I decided to celebrate our progress and relax with a movie. Right there, in the theater, I saw the setup. About 25 minutes into the movie, they introduced a character and his humorous quirk. I immediately knew what this would mean -- THIS MOVIE WAS GOING TO HAVE THE SAME ENDING AS MINE! I held my breath as the movie continued. About 25 minutes from the end of the movie, my wife realized the same thing. She held my hand tight. So tight. Our spirits were thinking the same thing as the movie progressed slowly to the end: "Please no. Please no. Please no." And then...it happened. SOMETHING HAPPENED TO ONE OF THEIR SIDE-KICK CHARACTERS WHICH IS IDENTICAL TO WHAT HAPPENS TO OUR LEAD CHARACTER!!! They even used the same iconic closing image!!! Dude...I cannot tell you how this felt. I turned to my wife and saw her eyes water. We were deflated. The painful thing is that I wrote my ending YEARS ago and it is rooted to the through-line of my lead characters story. In fact, I've created a whole new mythology with my ending. And now...here was the SAME ENDING in this movie!!! The difference is that their ending did not have to do with the core of the story. It was only with one of the side-characters. BUT IT WAS THEIR ICONIC ENDING TO THE PIECE!!!!
I was livid. My ending iconic image through a much tighter story line was "stolen" by the ending iconic image of a weaker, "studio" story line.
Guys...I've had my ending for years and I really don't know what to say. I just don't think the "fates" work towards the good guys and hard-working people anymore. Life is hard, Hollywood is dog-eat-dog, and so much is left to chance. I am utterly deflated.
I have no other choice but to keep going and hope that two years from now, that ending is somewhat forgotten. I know for a fact people will think I stole their ending for my movie. I mean...I think that all the time!!! But this is not the case with my movie and it is utterly heart-breaking. I know what people will think when they see my ending, and it will not be true. They will probably wonder if I am a schlock storyteller/filmmaker. They will probably wonder "how many original ideas has this guy actually had." I really don't know what to say. I hate this feeling and I hate that we fought so hard to get this moving only to face this at the moment we thought things were going so well.
As much as I want to be poetic and talk about life's "poetic ironies", I simply can't. This scenario sucks hole and I have no choice but to keep going.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Saturday, November 28, 2009
A Tough Holiday Season
November 28, 2009. The weeked after Thanksgiving…and it’s a tough one for multiple reasons. First, the holiday season is kicking off into high gear. Christmas trees are up, decorations are appearing, and the carols are filling the air. Because I have an animated holiday project, it’s hard not to “ache”, you know? I desire to make this project so badly and the current atmosphere makes it harder. Kinda like going to a wedding when your relationship-ready heart is still single. Make sense?
The second difficulty is an awkward one to post, but I will be frank. Financially, we are at a tough spot. Because I work in reality television, it’s hard to put a finger on what my schedule will actually be. After working solid for a year and a half, my wife and I planned a pricey trip…but right after we purchased the trip, I hit an unexpected month-long hiatus! Believe it or not...THIS HAPPENED TWICE IN ONE YEAR! That’s right…the whole trip planning and month-long hiatus. And not only that…at the beginning of the fall, I had a great opportunity to produce a new show. A great career opportunity! In an attempt to give two weeks notice at my current gig…the conversation quickly turned into “this will be your last day”. I know. Sucks.
Third, this final push to get this project off the ground is costing us more money than ever. And not only that, the interest that is growing for this project wants to see a kid’s book version of this! The momentum is building, but the work is growing! It’s a catch 22. It’s as if things always get harder AS things get better.
And I’m anxious, you know. I want to finish everything so bad, but I can’t move fast enough. Time ticks away. Alas, my anxious and impatience is going to eat me alive. I know it will. It will devour me from the inside out like neurotic termites. And if I "loose it", how can I care for my family. I can I direct this team. I have to trust the process, man.
My wife and I finished one of three books last night. Of course, it needs to be cleaned a little bit. But it's good stuff. It really is. She cried and I got a little emotional reading it. I can see this project so clearly in my head, I can almost taste it. I have to keep moving. I cannot loose focus. Like riding a motorbike, there comes a point when you will hit the pothole or tree if you can’t keep from looking at it. Don’t look at the potholes. Don’t look at the trees. Keep your eyes fixed ahead and take the dips and jumps as they come. Don't look at the Christmas decorations or the other animated movies coming out with bitterness or impatience. If so, I will surely crash. Focus on the joy of creating. Focus on the thrill of creating something with my best friend and wife. Focus on the true experiences that have molded me and inspired me to tell this story. Focus on the children and families who will see this story in the future. Focus.
The second difficulty is an awkward one to post, but I will be frank. Financially, we are at a tough spot. Because I work in reality television, it’s hard to put a finger on what my schedule will actually be. After working solid for a year and a half, my wife and I planned a pricey trip…but right after we purchased the trip, I hit an unexpected month-long hiatus! Believe it or not...THIS HAPPENED TWICE IN ONE YEAR! That’s right…the whole trip planning and month-long hiatus. And not only that…at the beginning of the fall, I had a great opportunity to produce a new show. A great career opportunity! In an attempt to give two weeks notice at my current gig…the conversation quickly turned into “this will be your last day”. I know. Sucks.
Third, this final push to get this project off the ground is costing us more money than ever. And not only that, the interest that is growing for this project wants to see a kid’s book version of this! The momentum is building, but the work is growing! It’s a catch 22. It’s as if things always get harder AS things get better.
And I’m anxious, you know. I want to finish everything so bad, but I can’t move fast enough. Time ticks away. Alas, my anxious and impatience is going to eat me alive. I know it will. It will devour me from the inside out like neurotic termites. And if I "loose it", how can I care for my family. I can I direct this team. I have to trust the process, man.
My wife and I finished one of three books last night. Of course, it needs to be cleaned a little bit. But it's good stuff. It really is. She cried and I got a little emotional reading it. I can see this project so clearly in my head, I can almost taste it. I have to keep moving. I cannot loose focus. Like riding a motorbike, there comes a point when you will hit the pothole or tree if you can’t keep from looking at it. Don’t look at the potholes. Don’t look at the trees. Keep your eyes fixed ahead and take the dips and jumps as they come. Don't look at the Christmas decorations or the other animated movies coming out with bitterness or impatience. If so, I will surely crash. Focus on the joy of creating. Focus on the thrill of creating something with my best friend and wife. Focus on the true experiences that have molded me and inspired me to tell this story. Focus on the children and families who will see this story in the future. Focus.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Starting the Kid's Book
November 25, 2009. The day before Thanksgiving. Man, I see so much work ahead. Here I am, now writing a kids book. What the heck does this have to do with making a movie?!? Seriously! NOW here I am making this Youtube show and posting a blog?!? WTF?!?!? I dind’t learn this stuff in film school, man. But the truth is (as it always is) that the medium is changing. It’s evolving. It’s growing. And artists have to grow with it. I have never been one who stuck to one medium. I’ve always loved to draw, to play music, to sculpt, to write, to perform…EVERYTHING! I love tellings stories, man. And I will be the first to tell you that I am not a rock-star at any of those mediums. I’m just the over-excitable guy who can’t wait to try something new…because…because…well, because it’s just there, man! Seriously! Put a remote control car in front of me, and I have to play with it. Put a waterslide in front of me, and I have to go down it. Put a musical instrument in front of me, and I have to try to play it. I just HAVE to! My fingers fidget. My heart races. My nerves get anxious. My eyes get crazed and focus and I think to myself, “ooooh, gimme. Gimme!”
At the same time, I would wreck-lessly throw myself into someone else’s life or pull someone else into mine. “Wanna hang out? Wanna talk about heart-ache? What’s going on? Wanna know what’s going on with me?!?!” It’s all on my sleeve, man. No holds barred.
So now, as I write this kid’s book, I am reminding myself that this idea is not too crazy at all. The bottom line is that I am trying to tell this amazing story through an animated movie. Why?!? Because that is what it has to be! It’s an animated movie and you will understand wholeheartedly when you see it. At the same time, we now have someone who can help publish this story into a book! And suddenly – BAM! There it was,another opportunity to create something in a new medium that I have never embarrassed for myself – the kid’s book.
And yet, as I write this, I constantly think, “What can we do to make this different? What can we do to make this original? To push the limits of the medium? To stay faithful to the story? WHAT CAN WE DO???” And then it came to me. It’s bold and it doesn’t make it any easier. If anything, it makes it more complex and difficult. I just made something new for me THREE TIMES HARDER! But I can’t help it. It’s new, it’s different, and it excites me.
Now, I feel like I am in a sailboat that has just shoved off to see waiting for the winds of creative to fill my sails and take me through a wonderful journey of discovery. Will the winds blow? Man, I do not know. But what I tend to do is saturate myself with things to inspire me in order to generate winds. I fill myself with music. I check out kids books at the library. I read and I look at pictures. I click on images on the web. I watch animated movies in the theaters. Like a Native American spiritualist, I am calling upon Mother Earth to send me her blessings through a gust of wind. I am patient…beating on the same old drum…chanting…breathing… trusting.
So here I go.
At the same time, I would wreck-lessly throw myself into someone else’s life or pull someone else into mine. “Wanna hang out? Wanna talk about heart-ache? What’s going on? Wanna know what’s going on with me?!?!” It’s all on my sleeve, man. No holds barred.
So now, as I write this kid’s book, I am reminding myself that this idea is not too crazy at all. The bottom line is that I am trying to tell this amazing story through an animated movie. Why?!? Because that is what it has to be! It’s an animated movie and you will understand wholeheartedly when you see it. At the same time, we now have someone who can help publish this story into a book! And suddenly – BAM! There it was,another opportunity to create something in a new medium that I have never embarrassed for myself – the kid’s book.
And yet, as I write this, I constantly think, “What can we do to make this different? What can we do to make this original? To push the limits of the medium? To stay faithful to the story? WHAT CAN WE DO???” And then it came to me. It’s bold and it doesn’t make it any easier. If anything, it makes it more complex and difficult. I just made something new for me THREE TIMES HARDER! But I can’t help it. It’s new, it’s different, and it excites me.
Now, I feel like I am in a sailboat that has just shoved off to see waiting for the winds of creative to fill my sails and take me through a wonderful journey of discovery. Will the winds blow? Man, I do not know. But what I tend to do is saturate myself with things to inspire me in order to generate winds. I fill myself with music. I check out kids books at the library. I read and I look at pictures. I click on images on the web. I watch animated movies in the theaters. Like a Native American spiritualist, I am calling upon Mother Earth to send me her blessings through a gust of wind. I am patient…beating on the same old drum…chanting…breathing… trusting.
So here I go.
Who Am I?
November 22, 2009. Right now, I’m in the middle of production of the Development Package. It’s a whirlwind. Perhaps a mini-whirlwind compared to the actual feature. Only time will tell, I guess. But to keep up, I have to start writing the feature script and a series of kids books. It’s just something I have to do now because I have the time. Work in reality television is so sketchy. We are at a time when the industry is virtually turning upside down with dropped show budgets and the evolution of the new internet medium. Networks and studios are transforming “attempting” to keep up to new audiences while relying on “old” money. And with this balancing happening in my profession, my wife and I are plowing ahead with this animation holiday project, a new brand demanding prototypes of children’s books, toys, the movie, a potential sequel…EVERYTHING! It’s quite a bite to start with as an independent filmmaker. So strange. I have so many niche’ market movie projects: horror, romantic comedy, thriller, cult-classic, etc. And yet, I start with the high-concept, commercial, animated family project?!?!?! I must be smokin’ somethin’ illegal, man.
But here is the crazy part. The only thing that seems to be giving me any comfort in this crazy whirlwind is a profound question that I haven’t asked myself since I was 16 years old: Who am I? I am not one who believes in chance. At least, not anymore. I’ve experienced too much hardship in my life and drowned in the depths of my own vices to feel truly “dead”, like a walking zombie. And remarkably, I “gave up” and felt the warmth and comfort of a Love beyond this world. I felt lifted. I felt comforted. I felt changed. (At least for a moment). I mush have been smokin’ somethin’ illegal! I’m kidding. But there was a time in my past years ago when I finally felt “found”. And the defining question of “Who am I” had a clear answer. That clarity is a place I’m realizing I am missing.
It’s like when I visit my parent’s house. There always seems to be this point where I am ready to leave. I think, “Gawd, get me out of this crazy house!” And when I leave, it is pure refreshment! Finally, I am free! My spirits are high and it seems the air is clear. What starts as days becomes weeks, then months, and then years. And lo’ and behold, here I am spending a long time away from home without missing it. Then, when I finally succumb to my “son” or “brothery” duties of visiting family, I am knocked head over heals by the purity and nostalgia of “family”. I realize how much I needed them.
That is what is happening to me now. As I ask the question, “Who am I?” I feel the quiet invisible tugs of an Answer that runs so deep in my soul that I forget that it has probably been there this whole time. I am led to an answer. It is calling me home. And as I entertain this thought, I am feeling something nostalgic. I am feeling something refreshing. I am feeling something that I forgot I have been missing.
My life is currently clogged with finding work, taking care of my wife, and pushing forward the dream. But in order to balance this all and make sense of what is happening, I sit quietly in my own madness and find myself at the eye of my own hurricane. A sun is shining down and the winds are dying for just a moment so I can hear the answer to that question. It is finding me now, as I am writing this. My soul is weak. It needs this sustenance. And I feel the refreshment, as if drinking a freshly squeezed glass of orange juice in a body riddled with disease and toxins.
I ask, waiting for an answer. Waiting for The Answer. And this is what I MUST do before I write. And to be honest, at this point…I don’t feel like writing. I want to sit here in the eye of the story and enjoy it as much as I can before the winds and the rain pick up again.
But here is the crazy part. The only thing that seems to be giving me any comfort in this crazy whirlwind is a profound question that I haven’t asked myself since I was 16 years old: Who am I? I am not one who believes in chance. At least, not anymore. I’ve experienced too much hardship in my life and drowned in the depths of my own vices to feel truly “dead”, like a walking zombie. And remarkably, I “gave up” and felt the warmth and comfort of a Love beyond this world. I felt lifted. I felt comforted. I felt changed. (At least for a moment). I mush have been smokin’ somethin’ illegal! I’m kidding. But there was a time in my past years ago when I finally felt “found”. And the defining question of “Who am I” had a clear answer. That clarity is a place I’m realizing I am missing.
It’s like when I visit my parent’s house. There always seems to be this point where I am ready to leave. I think, “Gawd, get me out of this crazy house!” And when I leave, it is pure refreshment! Finally, I am free! My spirits are high and it seems the air is clear. What starts as days becomes weeks, then months, and then years. And lo’ and behold, here I am spending a long time away from home without missing it. Then, when I finally succumb to my “son” or “brothery” duties of visiting family, I am knocked head over heals by the purity and nostalgia of “family”. I realize how much I needed them.
That is what is happening to me now. As I ask the question, “Who am I?” I feel the quiet invisible tugs of an Answer that runs so deep in my soul that I forget that it has probably been there this whole time. I am led to an answer. It is calling me home. And as I entertain this thought, I am feeling something nostalgic. I am feeling something refreshing. I am feeling something that I forgot I have been missing.
My life is currently clogged with finding work, taking care of my wife, and pushing forward the dream. But in order to balance this all and make sense of what is happening, I sit quietly in my own madness and find myself at the eye of my own hurricane. A sun is shining down and the winds are dying for just a moment so I can hear the answer to that question. It is finding me now, as I am writing this. My soul is weak. It needs this sustenance. And I feel the refreshment, as if drinking a freshly squeezed glass of orange juice in a body riddled with disease and toxins.
I ask, waiting for an answer. Waiting for The Answer. And this is what I MUST do before I write. And to be honest, at this point…I don’t feel like writing. I want to sit here in the eye of the story and enjoy it as much as I can before the winds and the rain pick up again.
Just Frustrated
October 23, 2009. We just finished our second meeting with the animation director in Australia. Man…I have to tell you…I am hurting like hell. I gave direction to the character and style. The style that I had in mind, the one that I was so ecstatic about, has been derailed. I am spending $XX,XXX, and I can’t…I can’t do it. I feel cheated. I feel like my artistic voice does not matter. I am fighting for one thing and they are fighting for another. I’m so spent…I want to quit doing this right now. My artistic voice is not fought for, the part of my touch which makes the whole thing unique. Why? Because we do not have time and money. So I am flabbergasted.
Finding Focus Before Writing
October 20, 2009. Before I work on a re-write, I want to “focus”.
It begins. We just received the check for $XX,XXX last weekend. And to be honest, I froze. The reality of spending money shocked me. The bottom line is, $XX,XXX is a lot of f***in’ money! I look back at my years of directing/producing shorts, music videos, and pilots. So much can be done with $XX,XXX! In fact, we are riding off of the buzz of Paranormal Activity, an indie movie made for $15K but has grossed (at this date) over $20 million! And here we are with $XX,XXX to make one scene?!?!?! This insane! This is the age of independent film more than ever! At my core, I’m an independent filmmaker and spending this amount of money for a scene instead of a movie is killing me. But I have to trust the process. I’m relying on the power of my feature script, the premise, and the abilities I haven’t fully developed. This is scary as hell. I do not want to look back at this thinking, “Yeah, we should of spent that on a feature.” But we’ve started the train, and I can no longer let thoughts like this sink in. If so, I will second-guess, I will doubt, and my foundation as the creative leader of this team will shatter. The team deserved my all (and then some)! If we are going to make $XX,XXX look like $XXX,XXX, I will have to push from a core of confidence, determination, and vision. And frankly, doubt (at least for me) can be a lethal poison, and to be honest, I have that in spades right now.
Yesterday, I met Steve in Australia and his company will begin the first conceptual drawings. We spoke over Skype. I couldn’t see his face. But somehow, through his thick accent and the pixilated distortion of the computer speakers, I heard the warmth and excitement of a child. They are tapping into something invisible, intangible, but ironically, very present. And it is a “something” that I have created. And it is that “something” that connects us better than any international online connection. It will be a “something” that will unify the team, and ultimately a “something” that reaches an audience and carries a franchise. Again, the enormity of what we’re dealing with can cause me to freeze and second-guess. Inside, there is a scared voice thinking, “Don’t f*** this up, man!” Again, I can’t listen to it, but it’s there. And it’s so loud.
So I’m already battling my anxieties of doubt and pressure. How am I combating this? I’m choosing to start with gratefulness.
As I write, I just read emails of my dear friends in hardship. One is fired, the other is in a law-suit, another’s marriage is breaking due to “online cheating”, another friend’s father has a severe heart condition, and another has a unborn child that is seems destined to die at birth. So much hurt and pain is out there, and here I am allowing the reality of an “opportunity” to make my movie stress me out?!? No, I will not. But I do know pain. I do know depression. I do know the feeling of being “lost” and “overwhelmed”. I am also a student and victim of life. Likewise, I am a survivor. And it was hell to get here. But I’ve become a different person through “healing”. And no one can endure that journey alone. And it is this compassion that I have for those who are hurt, this empathy I have for those who are “lost” in pain, this kindred feeling of depression and anxiety that compels me to reach to another and hug them. To whisper in their ear, “You can make it through. You are going to be beaten up as hell, but you will make it through.” To me, that is what this story is about…a character that endures the reality of true struggle and hardship, only to overcome and become something more.
This is what washes away my anxiety and doubt. When I focus on this, I am not making a movie. I am trying to send a word of encouragement, a care-package, a hug. I am trying to be the confidant who is with them when they feel alone, to sit with them without offering “solutions”, but letting them know they are not alone through their problem.
Pain breaks my hurt. But comforting puts it back together. Because I have been there. And remarkably, I have been re-assembled.
Okay…I can write now.
It begins. We just received the check for $XX,XXX last weekend. And to be honest, I froze. The reality of spending money shocked me. The bottom line is, $XX,XXX is a lot of f***in’ money! I look back at my years of directing/producing shorts, music videos, and pilots. So much can be done with $XX,XXX! In fact, we are riding off of the buzz of Paranormal Activity, an indie movie made for $15K but has grossed (at this date) over $20 million! And here we are with $XX,XXX to make one scene?!?!?! This insane! This is the age of independent film more than ever! At my core, I’m an independent filmmaker and spending this amount of money for a scene instead of a movie is killing me. But I have to trust the process. I’m relying on the power of my feature script, the premise, and the abilities I haven’t fully developed. This is scary as hell. I do not want to look back at this thinking, “Yeah, we should of spent that on a feature.” But we’ve started the train, and I can no longer let thoughts like this sink in. If so, I will second-guess, I will doubt, and my foundation as the creative leader of this team will shatter. The team deserved my all (and then some)! If we are going to make $XX,XXX look like $XXX,XXX, I will have to push from a core of confidence, determination, and vision. And frankly, doubt (at least for me) can be a lethal poison, and to be honest, I have that in spades right now.
Yesterday, I met Steve in Australia and his company will begin the first conceptual drawings. We spoke over Skype. I couldn’t see his face. But somehow, through his thick accent and the pixilated distortion of the computer speakers, I heard the warmth and excitement of a child. They are tapping into something invisible, intangible, but ironically, very present. And it is a “something” that I have created. And it is that “something” that connects us better than any international online connection. It will be a “something” that will unify the team, and ultimately a “something” that reaches an audience and carries a franchise. Again, the enormity of what we’re dealing with can cause me to freeze and second-guess. Inside, there is a scared voice thinking, “Don’t f*** this up, man!” Again, I can’t listen to it, but it’s there. And it’s so loud.
So I’m already battling my anxieties of doubt and pressure. How am I combating this? I’m choosing to start with gratefulness.
As I write, I just read emails of my dear friends in hardship. One is fired, the other is in a law-suit, another’s marriage is breaking due to “online cheating”, another friend’s father has a severe heart condition, and another has a unborn child that is seems destined to die at birth. So much hurt and pain is out there, and here I am allowing the reality of an “opportunity” to make my movie stress me out?!? No, I will not. But I do know pain. I do know depression. I do know the feeling of being “lost” and “overwhelmed”. I am also a student and victim of life. Likewise, I am a survivor. And it was hell to get here. But I’ve become a different person through “healing”. And no one can endure that journey alone. And it is this compassion that I have for those who are hurt, this empathy I have for those who are “lost” in pain, this kindred feeling of depression and anxiety that compels me to reach to another and hug them. To whisper in their ear, “You can make it through. You are going to be beaten up as hell, but you will make it through.” To me, that is what this story is about…a character that endures the reality of true struggle and hardship, only to overcome and become something more.
This is what washes away my anxiety and doubt. When I focus on this, I am not making a movie. I am trying to send a word of encouragement, a care-package, a hug. I am trying to be the confidant who is with them when they feel alone, to sit with them without offering “solutions”, but letting them know they are not alone through their problem.
Pain breaks my hurt. But comforting puts it back together. Because I have been there. And remarkably, I have been re-assembled.
Okay…I can write now.
The Poker Game
HEY, FOLKS. BELOW IS A RANDOM JOURNAL ENTRY I FOUND WHEN I THOUGHT I HAD 100% FINANCING. OF COURSE, YOU NOW KNOW THAT THIS OPPORTUNITY HAS FADED. STILL, IT'S A GREAT DEPICTION OF MY REAL HIGHS AND LOWS AT THAT TIME. I THOUGHT SOME OF YOU MIGHT ENJOY IT. IT WAS WRITTEN IN FEBRUARY 2, 2009.
I’m sitting in the plane with the turbines roaring. We rocket forward. Unlike the song, it’s raining in Southern California, and the tiny beads of rain on the window drastically pull horizontally as the world behind them turn into a blur. I’m flying to Hawaii for a much needed vacation.
It’s tough living the double life. My 9 to 5 job is more like a ten hour a day job. Oh, and did I mention 6 days a week? It’s been like this since last September and expected to be like this until the end of March. It’s merciless. In the morning, I claw myself to the gym to get my blood pumping and my muscles working like a normal human being before I glue my ass to a chair for the next ten-hours and hypnotize my eyes before a glowing screen to edit a real “reality” show. (chuckle)
It’s tough just to feel alive in this racket called “To live and die in L.A.”! And in the middle of it all, between making a living and feeling like a human being is the “dream”, my valiant efforts to make a movie. But it’s not just any movie. It’s the story that I’ve carried for over ten years. A story that everyone has said must be made into a movie. And so I’ve pushed. Every year, I’ve pushed. And I never gave up. Why? Because the story has to be told! Sure, I would love to say that it was my own fixation over selfish, narcissistic dreams. But this is not the case. This story is alive and breathing. It exists apart from me. It is it’s own being carrying a vitality apart from myself. Unfortunately, it’s umbilical is attached to me. And until I birth it, forcing it out of my creative orifices, (pretty picture huh), it will die with me.
Every year, it feels like I am getting close. And every year, life has its way of turning it’s head, shutting a door, and laughing at me. Sure, I can take it personally and shed a tear. Sure, I can give up on this project and move on to another. Sure, sure, sure, sure. But I don’t. Because until it gets made, I will feel that I never quite tried as hard as I could. Can someone say obsession?
Early this week, I got an e-mail that shocked me. Distribution. They were offering 10 – 30% of the budget through foreign pre-sales. This is the type of offer that I’ve read about in books! This is the type of offer that is used in examples in film class! This is the type of offer that has never happened to me…until now! After years of pushing and finally throwing myself into the lion’s den of the American Film Market, I finally get a distribution offer! But it’s more than an offer. It is a card. Actually, it’s a hand.
For those of you who play poker, you will understand the invisible game that is going on. The distributor has showed me a card. But instead of playing against another player; all players in this game want everyone to win…together! The distributor has a piece. Investors have another piece. Talent has another piece. And of course, I have my own. But before any one of us puts something down, each of us is hoping someone else will go first. So here we are…all of us sitting at the same card table peering over our secretive hands. Everyone knows the drill – show just enough without giving too much away. My gosh, I wish I could explain it all, but I can’t. It’s just so damn complicated and vague. But the tension is thick.
So what has really happened? Well…nothing and everything. The distributor offered 30% of the budget via pre-sales. I took this info to a producer. With the distribution deal, the producer is confidant he can bring in the “rest” of the money. The “rest” of the money means up to the remaining 70% of the budget. Of course, he hopes he can get 100% out of this budget by doing it in another country like Canada or the east with its tax benefits. Now, with distribution, 30% of the budget through pre-sales, and the remaining 70% through an independent producer, I was able to ask another private investor for the outstanding 30%. And poof! There it was. In a blink of an eye, my “Bridge-Man” said he had it. At this point as I write this blog…I now literally have 100% of the funding…and 0% of the funding at the same time. What?!? Exactly.
Hollywood is a funny city. It’s an even funnier industry. Of course, I am trying to explain all of this without fully understanding it myself so it’s bound to sound funnier if not more confusing. We have all the players in place. But no one will set down the piece before the other. So now I have to convince everyone else that someone else has already put their piece down! Make sense? Of course not.
I’m sitting in the plane with the turbines roaring. We rocket forward. Unlike the song, it’s raining in Southern California, and the tiny beads of rain on the window drastically pull horizontally as the world behind them turn into a blur. I’m flying to Hawaii for a much needed vacation.
It’s tough living the double life. My 9 to 5 job is more like a ten hour a day job. Oh, and did I mention 6 days a week? It’s been like this since last September and expected to be like this until the end of March. It’s merciless. In the morning, I claw myself to the gym to get my blood pumping and my muscles working like a normal human being before I glue my ass to a chair for the next ten-hours and hypnotize my eyes before a glowing screen to edit a real “reality” show. (chuckle)
It’s tough just to feel alive in this racket called “To live and die in L.A.”! And in the middle of it all, between making a living and feeling like a human being is the “dream”, my valiant efforts to make a movie. But it’s not just any movie. It’s the story that I’ve carried for over ten years. A story that everyone has said must be made into a movie. And so I’ve pushed. Every year, I’ve pushed. And I never gave up. Why? Because the story has to be told! Sure, I would love to say that it was my own fixation over selfish, narcissistic dreams. But this is not the case. This story is alive and breathing. It exists apart from me. It is it’s own being carrying a vitality apart from myself. Unfortunately, it’s umbilical is attached to me. And until I birth it, forcing it out of my creative orifices, (pretty picture huh), it will die with me.
Every year, it feels like I am getting close. And every year, life has its way of turning it’s head, shutting a door, and laughing at me. Sure, I can take it personally and shed a tear. Sure, I can give up on this project and move on to another. Sure, sure, sure, sure. But I don’t. Because until it gets made, I will feel that I never quite tried as hard as I could. Can someone say obsession?
Early this week, I got an e-mail that shocked me. Distribution. They were offering 10 – 30% of the budget through foreign pre-sales. This is the type of offer that I’ve read about in books! This is the type of offer that is used in examples in film class! This is the type of offer that has never happened to me…until now! After years of pushing and finally throwing myself into the lion’s den of the American Film Market, I finally get a distribution offer! But it’s more than an offer. It is a card. Actually, it’s a hand.
For those of you who play poker, you will understand the invisible game that is going on. The distributor has showed me a card. But instead of playing against another player; all players in this game want everyone to win…together! The distributor has a piece. Investors have another piece. Talent has another piece. And of course, I have my own. But before any one of us puts something down, each of us is hoping someone else will go first. So here we are…all of us sitting at the same card table peering over our secretive hands. Everyone knows the drill – show just enough without giving too much away. My gosh, I wish I could explain it all, but I can’t. It’s just so damn complicated and vague. But the tension is thick.
So what has really happened? Well…nothing and everything. The distributor offered 30% of the budget via pre-sales. I took this info to a producer. With the distribution deal, the producer is confidant he can bring in the “rest” of the money. The “rest” of the money means up to the remaining 70% of the budget. Of course, he hopes he can get 100% out of this budget by doing it in another country like Canada or the east with its tax benefits. Now, with distribution, 30% of the budget through pre-sales, and the remaining 70% through an independent producer, I was able to ask another private investor for the outstanding 30%. And poof! There it was. In a blink of an eye, my “Bridge-Man” said he had it. At this point as I write this blog…I now literally have 100% of the funding…and 0% of the funding at the same time. What?!? Exactly.
Hollywood is a funny city. It’s an even funnier industry. Of course, I am trying to explain all of this without fully understanding it myself so it’s bound to sound funnier if not more confusing. We have all the players in place. But no one will set down the piece before the other. So now I have to convince everyone else that someone else has already put their piece down! Make sense? Of course not.
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