October 20, 2009. Before I work on a re-write, I want to “focus”.
It begins. We just received the check for $XX,XXX last weekend. And to be honest, I froze. The reality of spending money shocked me. The bottom line is, $XX,XXX is a lot of f***in’ money! I look back at my years of directing/producing shorts, music videos, and pilots. So much can be done with $XX,XXX! In fact, we are riding off of the buzz of Paranormal Activity, an indie movie made for $15K but has grossed (at this date) over $20 million! And here we are with $XX,XXX to make one scene?!?!?! This insane! This is the age of independent film more than ever! At my core, I’m an independent filmmaker and spending this amount of money for a scene instead of a movie is killing me. But I have to trust the process. I’m relying on the power of my feature script, the premise, and the abilities I haven’t fully developed. This is scary as hell. I do not want to look back at this thinking, “Yeah, we should of spent that on a feature.” But we’ve started the train, and I can no longer let thoughts like this sink in. If so, I will second-guess, I will doubt, and my foundation as the creative leader of this team will shatter. The team deserved my all (and then some)! If we are going to make $XX,XXX look like $XXX,XXX, I will have to push from a core of confidence, determination, and vision. And frankly, doubt (at least for me) can be a lethal poison, and to be honest, I have that in spades right now.
Yesterday, I met Steve in Australia and his company will begin the first conceptual drawings. We spoke over Skype. I couldn’t see his face. But somehow, through his thick accent and the pixilated distortion of the computer speakers, I heard the warmth and excitement of a child. They are tapping into something invisible, intangible, but ironically, very present. And it is a “something” that I have created. And it is that “something” that connects us better than any international online connection. It will be a “something” that will unify the team, and ultimately a “something” that reaches an audience and carries a franchise. Again, the enormity of what we’re dealing with can cause me to freeze and second-guess. Inside, there is a scared voice thinking, “Don’t f*** this up, man!” Again, I can’t listen to it, but it’s there. And it’s so loud.
So I’m already battling my anxieties of doubt and pressure. How am I combating this? I’m choosing to start with gratefulness.
As I write, I just read emails of my dear friends in hardship. One is fired, the other is in a law-suit, another’s marriage is breaking due to “online cheating”, another friend’s father has a severe heart condition, and another has a unborn child that is seems destined to die at birth. So much hurt and pain is out there, and here I am allowing the reality of an “opportunity” to make my movie stress me out?!? No, I will not. But I do know pain. I do know depression. I do know the feeling of being “lost” and “overwhelmed”. I am also a student and victim of life. Likewise, I am a survivor. And it was hell to get here. But I’ve become a different person through “healing”. And no one can endure that journey alone. And it is this compassion that I have for those who are hurt, this empathy I have for those who are “lost” in pain, this kindred feeling of depression and anxiety that compels me to reach to another and hug them. To whisper in their ear, “You can make it through. You are going to be beaten up as hell, but you will make it through.” To me, that is what this story is about…a character that endures the reality of true struggle and hardship, only to overcome and become something more.
This is what washes away my anxiety and doubt. When I focus on this, I am not making a movie. I am trying to send a word of encouragement, a care-package, a hug. I am trying to be the confidant who is with them when they feel alone, to sit with them without offering “solutions”, but letting them know they are not alone through their problem.
Pain breaks my hurt. But comforting puts it back together. Because I have been there. And remarkably, I have been re-assembled.
Okay…I can write now.
HOW ARE YOU GONA USE MY MONEY, CIF GUY?
The donated funds will go into paying back a loan from my father (CIFpop) who is currently funding our DEVELOPMENT PACKAGE. The development package includes the creation of a fully animated scene, character and location designs, and CG animated character tests.
CIFpop is pulling the funds from his line of credit. Unfortunately, this means that his house is being used for the loan collateral (yes, he could potentially lose his house). However, we are both convinced that with my growing fan-base, and your continued support, this movie will come to fruition, and in time make a significant profit that can pay back the loan.
In the meantime, we still need your support! By donating, you will help pay back this loan directly and ASAP to ease the burden on my pop!
CIFpop is pulling the funds from his line of credit. Unfortunately, this means that his house is being used for the loan collateral (yes, he could potentially lose his house). However, we are both convinced that with my growing fan-base, and your continued support, this movie will come to fruition, and in time make a significant profit that can pay back the loan.
In the meantime, we still need your support! By donating, you will help pay back this loan directly and ASAP to ease the burden on my pop!
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THE FINE PRINT
(1)Happy invisible butterflies MAY evoke a happy good feeling in your heart. If not, they may cause indigestion. Do not forget to feed happy invisible butterflies regularly to prevent apocalyptic swarms and global devastation. I do not know what happy invisible butterflies eat. My only guess is that it must also be invisible and somewhat “happy”. Perhaps something invisible and ”joyful” would suffice. Or maybe even invisible and “feeling blah”. But definitely nothing invisible and angry because that would most certainly irritate the happy invisible butterflies, and when that happens, you can kiss this movie (and mankind) good-bye. (2)Due to our ever-evolving technology, this DVD may become a Blu-Ray disc or perhaps a 100% online featurette. If technology excels further and DVD’s become obsolete because entertainment is distributed via brain-chip installation through mucus membrane transfusions, then this “Special Feature” will be included in that cyber-synthetic bio-electrode unless the implantation of the “Special Feature” coupled with the “Feature Presentation” causes brain damage. In that event, for your safety, you'll be sent a rusty old DVD and it’s up to you to find a DVD player (if they still exist). (3)Webisode appearance requires contributor to record him/herself. Footage will be sent directly to me so I can edit you into an official Confession! If you do not have the technical means to record yourself, or prefer not to appear in a ‘Confession’, the character sketch is really cool too. I’ll even sign it if you ask. (4)In addition to this, I can probably get my mom to send you a bag of her homemade beef jerky! It’s good. I’m probably eating some right now. (5)To forewarn you, my saliva may smell like beef jerky. (6)Or, I’ll have my mom make a lot of beef jerky.
* My movie is not yet part of a trilogy, but if you would like to donate the required amount, I will gladly create one.
* My movie is not yet part of a trilogy, but if you would like to donate the required amount, I will gladly create one.
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